I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
