DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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