my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is Oprah even human
you made out with another girl for some wings
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
