I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
