I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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