I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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