my phone needs a breathalizer
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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