I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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