I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
