no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
