I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
