You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
