My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
