I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
