You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
