normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
