Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
