I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
