Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
