She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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