i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
