My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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