just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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