I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
