Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
