do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
