Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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