I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
