my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
