My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
