I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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