bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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