final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
