I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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