Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
MIDGETS
????
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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