He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
