I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
