Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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