smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
