i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
