I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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