so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
