I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
