Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
