she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
