i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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