3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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