You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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