I just made out with a guy for $7.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
