I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
